POL00061070
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Message
From: - i i Dn i i =
on behalf of a. _ GRO _ _ _t
Sent: 02/01/2014 14:01:32.
To: Shirley Hailstonesi_
ce: Angela Van-Den-Bogerd ndrew.parsons{
GRO GRO
Subject: RE: South Warnborough M035.
Hi Shirley
Thanks for sending this on. I’ve reviewed it today and have a few suggestions below. I’ve provided examples where
possible {but please note this doesn’t mean my recommendations only apply to the examples provided ~ rather, the
examples are there to illustrate the issues / changes that should be looked at throughout).
Overall, the structure is helpful - the executive summary provides some context and the report breaks down the
Applicant’s issues and Post Office response.
In terms of improvements, I recommend:
¢ Aconsistency check re: terminology — e.g. should read “Applicant” not “applicant”
* More use of punctuation to help the sentences flow better (e.g. page 1 para 3 sentence 1). There are some parts
of the report where punctuation is completely missing, e.g. page 2 paras 2 and 3
* Likewise, English language needs checking ~ some sentences seem to be missing words e.g. page 2 final para
@ Check phrasing re: giving views — e.g. page 1 para 6 ~ “in my opinion” should be replaced with “it is possible that” /
“the most likely explanation seems”. See Andy Parsons’ report writing slides
e Grammar check — e.g. page 2 para 1 should read “Mr Skinner’s response to email (Doc 011 refers)”
e Spacing check ~ particularly between words and after commas
* Could the evidence be more fully explained? E.g. what is the available evidence relating to this statement (seems
to come later in report ~ total number of calls?}:
-The lack of support provided by the helpline
Due to timescales, evidence is not available to carry out investigations in some of the areas. However, the available
evidence suggests that calls were transferred correctly and proper advice given.
© Review phrasing in some areas (refer to Andy Parsons’ report writing slides). E.g. in ‘The Applicant’s complaint’
section, consider amending “The lack of training that was provided by Post Office” to read “The percei lack of
training that was provided by Post Office” (same for all four bullet points in that section}
e = Afinal ‘sense check’ of the document is needed to make sure the drafting is complete and phrasing is as clear as.
possible ~ e.g. “The NBSC helpline was also available. Should the applicant have issues with accounting for the error
notice.” (page 3}
e Numbers need presenting correctly and consistently (the general rule is to spell out numbers nine and below;
write numbers 10 upwards as numerals)
e The report would benefit from a brief, clear conclusion
lt hope that helps. Of course, please feel free to come back with any questions or I’m happy to arrange a call if that would
be useful.
Best wishes
Jess
POL-0057549
From: Shirley Hailstones
Sent: 31 December 2013 11:55
POL00061070
POL00061070
To: Angela Van-Den-Bogerd; ‘andrew.parsonst”
Williams
Cc: Jessica Barker
Subject: FW: South Warnborough M035
All
Please see case summary for the above which is due with the WG 9" Jan 2014,
don’t know if there is a joined up approach yet for reviewing between legal & Jess; can someone advise what the
approach is now?
Many thanks
Shirley
Shirley Hailstones I Case Review Manager
v GI 3AT
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From: Peter Todd
Sent: 31 December 2013 11:20
To: Shirley Hailstones
Subject: South Warnborough
Shirley
South Warnborough word version
Peter
Ca Down
LAG.
GRO
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